


Secret Comfort

by SpaceCat



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:07:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2312342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceCat/pseuds/SpaceCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sorrow shared is sorrow halved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secret Comfort

How do I explain the cessation, the magnitude of quiet? It's like trying to describe the color of darkness.

Imagine being surrounded by an endlessly complex symphony... some combination of Bach, Stravinsky and a dozen alien composers in a woven tapestry of sound... And suddenly the clarinets fall silent. They were quiet, barely heard, but their absence rings loud.

Or perhaps being in a 3-dimensional mosaic with a quarter of a million tesserae... enclosed by more colors than the human eye can distinguish; a brilliant and surreal watercolor landscape of the mind. A design as vast and elegantly complex as the galaxy itself... And suddenly all the green tiles fade away, leaving gaping empty holes.

This is why I was wandering the halls of the station after midnight, no gloves or badge, dry-eyed and sleepless.

**

The first night after the last of the Markab had died we met in silence. Both drawn to the Zen garden in the earliest hours after midnight, we rearranged and re-raked the stones. First we lifted the larger stones, placing them in a triangle at one end of the rectangular garden, the largest in the middle, flanked by the two smaller. She took the large rake while I took the small one and in perfect wordless coordination we circled the stones. I found the action soothing and finally started to relax. But she didn't. Her thoughts bled out of her in a way that I hadn't sensed before, normally so controlled that I never picked anything up. This was a martial chant, an endless litany of names that I belatedly identified as Markab. A march defined by white knuckles and a wary mouth, corners tucked back protectively.

The second night her uniform was as immaculate as usual, but a single hair of her ponytail was out of place and her eyes were tired. The list of names, never the same one twice, ran still obsessively on the surface of her thoughts. They were louder this evening, overlaid with images of death certificates, each having its own. I knew that as the station's second in command, she'd be responsible for processing them. We worked wordlessly as before, perfectly synchronized. Her movements were stiff with tension and fatigue, her steps marking time with the names. I wished that there was something that I could do for her. When we finished, I risked speech, my voice barely above a whisper. "How many?" She looked at me dully for a few seconds as if the words took a long time to register. "5739." I wished she would talk to me, but she turned away to place her rake carefully against the wall and didn't look back as she left.

This continued for two more nights; she was more rumpled and more exhausted each night, and always there were the seemingly endless names. The fourth night, she arrived before me and had already placed the three large stone as far apart as they would could go. I hoped that this wasn't a subconscious request for her own space. Her eyes were hollow and red when she held out a rake for me and I decided to take a chance. When I took it from her, I casually placed my bare hand over her white knuckles. "Thank you," I said softly. "Are you ok?" With as soft a psi-touch as I was capable of, I gently drew grief from her for those few seconds of skin contact. Her eyes searched mine for a long moment and I held my breath. Then she nodded as she pulled away and turned back to her raking. I was relieved that she didn't seem to realize what I'd done.

She had started a large complex pattern this time of wide sweeping curves with raised edges. I joined in without further comment. More thought had to be applied with this intricate design and although the names running through her mind didn't end completely, they faded out a few times as she concentrated on the curves of gravel. When we finally finished her shoulders were more relaxed and I was glad to have eased her burden, if only a little.

She would return to me and the Zen garden each night increasingly rumpled and practically stumbling from exhaustion. I made it a point to touch her at least once, drawing out just a little more grief each time. She would return to whatever rest she could get with shoulders just a little less tense and mind a little quieter. I had more success on some nights than others, but overall? She was getting worse as the task wore on.

I fell into a routine over the week, sleeping in, a late breakfast, then maybe a turn around the Zocalo. I didn't have any clients, there was very little business being done on the station. Some species were still under quarantine until vaccines could be distributed in sufficient quantity, others were avoiding the station out of fear of contagion even if they weren't at known risk.

I was just debating going to the Fresh Air for dinner, when my door chimed. It was her. She was in uniform still, every detail crisp and perfect with her hands behind her at near parade rest. But her face was relaxed and she smiled at me warmly. I gestured her in.

One step inside the door and she brought her hands forward and held out a large bunch of roses. They were yellow, shading to peach at the margins and were deliciously fragrant. I closed my eyes and buried my nose in them for a moment. "They're beautiful. Thank you."

"I finished the last of the certs this morning," she smiled wryly, "and the Captain ordered me to take the rest of the day off and sleep." She shrugged. "I just wanted to thank you," she said quietly. "I don't think that my sanity would have made it through this past week intact if it hadn't been for you."

The sincerity in her eyes caught me by surprise and I turned away to hide my sudden emotion. "Let me find a vase for these." I moved into the kitchen, hearing her trail behind me. I retrieved a vase from the cupboard and arranged the roses, taking a moment to enjoy the scent again. When I turned back around I was startled at her close proximity, I hadn't heard her come that close.

She was smiling at me and her eyes glowed, and I could almost taste her in the air between us. My psi senses were wide open and unshielded and I felt like she was touching me everywhere even though my eyes confirmed that she wasn't, not physically anyway. I shivered. A non-teep shouldn't have that strong a presence.

She must have seen my reaction. "Shh..." She reached out and ghosted her fingers down my sides to land feather light on my hips. I involuntarily moved closer until our breasts were just barely touching, unable to look away from the blazing blue of her eyes. Her thumbs stroked back and forth over my hip bones shooting sparks through me at each pass. One hand drifted up to cup my cheek with the same delicate touch and my senses were overloaded by her lips on mine in the gentlest of explorations.

There was an eternity enclosed within that kiss. Planets swung through stately orbits, suns rose and set, galaxies wheeled and turned. When we finally drifted back to Earth an uncounted time later, I was trembling.

She released me and stepped back half a step. "Good night," she said softly.

Before she could leave and before I lost my courage, I stepped after her quickly and put my hands on her shoulders, preventing her from turning away. She looked down at me questioningly as I searched for words. Everything filled my head at once, how beautiful I had thought her the first time I'd seen her and every time after, all my anger at her for pushing me away, all my desire for her, the kiss we'd just shared... but all that came out, hoarser than usual, was "Stay."

She leaned in to kiss me again. "I was afraid you wouldn't ask." Lost in the moment, it didn't seem at all strange that she could speak with her mouth otherwise engaged.

We curled together naked, pelvis to pelvis, breast to breast, trading gentle stroke for tender kiss. Our touches were calming rather than arousing. Oh, desire was there, but its fires were banked. This night was about comfort and connection. At long last we fell asleep, still entwined.

I was alone in bed when I awoke, but could hear her puttering around in the bathroom. I kicked the covers off and enjoyed the sensual brush of air against my bare skin. I'd never felt so vulnerable and yet so alive. My eyes had drifted back closed when I felt my skin tingle at her presence and a hand traced its way up my body. The mattress shifted and settled with her weight as she sat on the edge of the bed. I let my eyes open slightly to see her smiling down at me. _I do love a woman in uniform_ , I thought dreamily.

She leaned down and kissed me for a long moment and I hummed into her mouth with pleasure. Her eyes were sparkling when she released my lips. "Dinner tonight?"

I nodded not bothering to speak. I'm sure I still had a goofy dreamy look on my face, because her smile widened. "Good. My quarters, 1900 hours, don't be late." She leaned in to peck me on the lips one last time, and then she was gone.

As soon as I heard the door to my quarters slide closed, a laugh bubbled out of me. We had been brought together finally by grief and mutual horror but in allowing me to help her, she had helped me. I did wonder how much of a secret my help had been. She kept showing up after all, when she could have gone elsewhere and turned to a hundred other people for comfort.

Another laugh bubbled up. I had nothing left to fear and everything to look forward to. I got up and prepared to shower.

 _The Zocalo this morning, I think. A new dress would be just the thing,_ I mused. _Something slinky, maybe in red..._

*end*

**Author's Note:**

> (Hat tip of course to Metis...)
> 
> Questions, comments, suggestions, insults, or typos can be directed here: atomic.space.kitteh [at] gmail [dot] com  
> =^..^=


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